It's been a long time since I blog here....many things happened...many thing I learned...and there are many things i want to forget.
The man that i thought to be the one...was a only but a dream...a dream that will stay in my heart forever...A dream which I'd always wish every time I see stars, moon or even sun in the sky. I became so foolish in loving him...in expecting a happily ever after...and now,I'm here crying at the back of everyone and being the brave one who don't forgives in front of them.
The pain didn't fade away until now..no medicine, laugh or stories can heal it. And his last explanations telling me that his feelings are only a "INFATUATION"...."Sa tingin ko nawawala na yung feelings ko" and " Wala na sigurong pag-asa".....Those are the words and phrases resound and resound all over my mind. Its like pulling my energy away from my body. I want to hurt him..to curse him...to hate him but....why? why? my heart tells me to love him??? Even he is not deserving...he is INSENSITIVE....LIER...SELFISH!!! I don't know what to do. Everytime I see him...there are mixed emotions inside me but I hide it...I hide it behind my walls because I'm afraid to be weak and to be hurt..
I never thought it will end in this way...also him..he told me that he want me to be his friend but I can't....it hurts a lot...VERRY HUURRTSS!!! I'm not ready to mingle with him...I'm afraid...I afraid to drown much deeper in to him.
I'm so very tired healing my heart....to wait him..to understand him.
I said to myself that I will not hope anymore..but why is there a little fire inside me telling to wish more...I want the answers...I want to find the one...the one who will love me...Please
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Friday, August 7, 2009
I'm broken
Last week...I felt like in heaven.
Akala ko kasi,eto na....yung tipong,magkakaroon na ako ng prince charming na sa akin.Pero eto sa huli,ako nanaman ang nasaktan. Someimes, naisip ko,ano nga ba ang ginawa kong mali at halos mamatay na ako sa sakit.
I always wish na ayoko na masaktan, pero at the end i am always the loser, nadehado at naloko.
Kailan ko kaya mararamdamn ang pagmamahal ng isang lalaki....na tapat?
Akala ko kasi,eto na....yung tipong,magkakaroon na ako ng prince charming na sa akin.Pero eto sa huli,ako nanaman ang nasaktan. Someimes, naisip ko,ano nga ba ang ginawa kong mali at halos mamatay na ako sa sakit.
I always wish na ayoko na masaktan, pero at the end i am always the loser, nadehado at naloko.
Kailan ko kaya mararamdamn ang pagmamahal ng isang lalaki....na tapat?
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Hanggang kailan?
I always longing for love of a man! Pero bakit ganon kahit pinapalaya ko na, hindi na iniisip, nagdarasal na yaw ng masaktan at iniiyak ko na ng todo ang nararamdamn ko...I'm still hurting.
Yesterday, I could not control the feeling of pain kaya napaiyak ako in front of my three close friends. Nasaktan kasi ako dahil akala ko hindi na tumupad sa promise niya ang mahal ko na sa bay kaming uuwi. He went kasi sa house ng kainbigang ko na naging kahati ko sa mga una kong nagustuhan. They are close, kaya ano ba nman ang laban ko?
Yes, bumalik siya at hinatid pa ako sa hause ko but utos lang yun ng best friend ko kaya heto parin ako nasasaktan. Natatakot na baka bukas, wala na.
OO, totoo ang sinabi ng teacher ko na there is another world besides love kaya hindi lang dapat doon umikot ang mundo ko pero I can't totally control it. Tulad nga ng sabi ko,,TAO LANG AKO!
Hanggang kailan kaya ako ganito...umiiyak.
Last thursday nga,may activity na ginawa anf bestfriend ko. It is about "What gift you will give to your friend?" And she wrote there a happines for me - to find the man that will treat me as a woman. And I hope this will come true. Sana maranasan ko ring mahalin at sana magkaroon ako ng isang mala-fiction or fairy tale sweet love story......
Yesterday, I could not control the feeling of pain kaya napaiyak ako in front of my three close friends. Nasaktan kasi ako dahil akala ko hindi na tumupad sa promise niya ang mahal ko na sa bay kaming uuwi. He went kasi sa house ng kainbigang ko na naging kahati ko sa mga una kong nagustuhan. They are close, kaya ano ba nman ang laban ko?
Yes, bumalik siya at hinatid pa ako sa hause ko but utos lang yun ng best friend ko kaya heto parin ako nasasaktan. Natatakot na baka bukas, wala na.
OO, totoo ang sinabi ng teacher ko na there is another world besides love kaya hindi lang dapat doon umikot ang mundo ko pero I can't totally control it. Tulad nga ng sabi ko,,TAO LANG AKO!
Hanggang kailan kaya ako ganito...umiiyak.
Last thursday nga,may activity na ginawa anf bestfriend ko. It is about "What gift you will give to your friend?" And she wrote there a happines for me - to find the man that will treat me as a woman. And I hope this will come true. Sana maranasan ko ring mahalin at sana magkaroon ako ng isang mala-fiction or fairy tale sweet love story......
Monday, July 13, 2009
Nervous for tomorrow
No body knows what will happen tomorrow!
Hindi ko alm kung bukas may feelings pa siya sakin and I am afraid of that. Hindi ko rin alam kung lumalim ba ito. And beacause of that I am nervous. Ayoko na masaktan, yan lang naman ang gusto ko pero hindi ko alam e. Hindi ko hawak ang future at hindi ko rin hawak ang puso niya. Only God knows that!
Kaya ko pa kaya siya makita bukas kung alam kong walang kasiguraduhan ang lahat. And if I hurt again, i don't know what will I do. Yes, hindi lang naman siya ang lalaki sa mundo pero I just want to be loved, maglambing at to feel special. Hindi ako naiinggit sa iba. matagal ko naman talagang gusto ang mahalin at it is not experimentaion kundi paghahanap ng true love.
I wish this time is my special time. The real! Na hindi lang ako tumatanaw sa stars kundi abot kamay ko lang.
Hindi ko alm kung bukas may feelings pa siya sakin and I am afraid of that. Hindi ko rin alam kung lumalim ba ito. And beacause of that I am nervous. Ayoko na masaktan, yan lang naman ang gusto ko pero hindi ko alam e. Hindi ko hawak ang future at hindi ko rin hawak ang puso niya. Only God knows that!
Kaya ko pa kaya siya makita bukas kung alam kong walang kasiguraduhan ang lahat. And if I hurt again, i don't know what will I do. Yes, hindi lang naman siya ang lalaki sa mundo pero I just want to be loved, maglambing at to feel special. Hindi ako naiinggit sa iba. matagal ko naman talagang gusto ang mahalin at it is not experimentaion kundi paghahanap ng true love.
I wish this time is my special time. The real! Na hindi lang ako tumatanaw sa stars kundi abot kamay ko lang.
Mom and daughter talk!
Hmmm.... anonother rainy day had passed!
Yesterday night...nagakausap kami ng mother ko about love life and parang I felt a regret na nag-open ako sa kanya kasi, ayaw niya ng mga tungkol sa love. But, as a parent, kinuwento ko na sa kanya. Parang tutol siya kung ano ang nangyayari sa love life ko. She don't even want me to have a boyfriend e. But, minsan, naiisip ko, na she don't feel what i feel kasi....nasa situation ako kung saan naghahanap ako ng magmamahal at hindi naman lahat ng teenage relationship ay not true.
This morning nga, my bestfriend call at me at nagkwentuhan kami tungkol dun. Alam ko namang walang kasiguraduhan na magiging kami ng prince charming ko pero I will hope kasi hiniling ko yun kay God and I have faith na He will grant it. Gusto ko kasing ma-feel na important ako for the person who I cherish..Kasi yung mga man na nagustuhan ko dati, napunta na sa iba. And it lead me to think na life is so unfair. Nagulat nga ako na hanggang ngayon, I am standing up pa after all the pains that i'd gone. Siguro, may dahilan si God and these are the lessons and experiences.
At ngayon, na hindi ko pa alam ang future, ipinagdadasal ko na sana hindi na maulit yun. And "IF" talagang maging kami ng prince charming ko, I will be very very thankful to God and I promise to be a good human, loving girlfriend and good daughter.
Yesterday night...nagakausap kami ng mother ko about love life and parang I felt a regret na nag-open ako sa kanya kasi, ayaw niya ng mga tungkol sa love. But, as a parent, kinuwento ko na sa kanya. Parang tutol siya kung ano ang nangyayari sa love life ko. She don't even want me to have a boyfriend e. But, minsan, naiisip ko, na she don't feel what i feel kasi....nasa situation ako kung saan naghahanap ako ng magmamahal at hindi naman lahat ng teenage relationship ay not true.
This morning nga, my bestfriend call at me at nagkwentuhan kami tungkol dun. Alam ko namang walang kasiguraduhan na magiging kami ng prince charming ko pero I will hope kasi hiniling ko yun kay God and I have faith na He will grant it. Gusto ko kasing ma-feel na important ako for the person who I cherish..Kasi yung mga man na nagustuhan ko dati, napunta na sa iba. And it lead me to think na life is so unfair. Nagulat nga ako na hanggang ngayon, I am standing up pa after all the pains that i'd gone. Siguro, may dahilan si God and these are the lessons and experiences.
At ngayon, na hindi ko pa alam ang future, ipinagdadasal ko na sana hindi na maulit yun. And "IF" talagang maging kami ng prince charming ko, I will be very very thankful to God and I promise to be a good human, loving girlfriend and good daughter.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Afraid
I am so afraid right now, very afraid!
Maraming beses na akong nasaktan sa love. But this is the scariest of all.....na maghintay na masaktan ulit.
Two months ago, I promised to myself na hindi na ako magmamahal ng guy na hindi ako mahal but my promise to myself became nothing beacause I fall in love again. Actually, the term "again" is not appropriate for this, beacause I like him na talaga but not seriously unlike now. Hindi ko nga alam kung I am an ignorant person e, kasi kahit alam kong may iba siyang mahal, I tried to love him.
I knew that he had small feelings for me and he told me about this last Friday and I don't know if I want to hope for this. sana hindi nalang niya sinabi para hindi ako umaasa ng ganito but I believe that God will not hurt me again like what I felt a year ago. Suko na ako sa sakit. It was too painful. lagi nalang ako nagmamahal sa taong may mahal na iba. kahit alam kong both my parents love me, sometimes I try to search love from somebody else. A one that can love me as me, not only I am their daughter. Tao rin naman ako, nakakaramdam ng pagkukulang. Yun lang naman ang gusto ko,makaramdan ng pagmamahal from the man that I love, like in fairy tale. Oo, inaamin ko na hindi ako naniniwala sa fairy tale but this time I want again to give my trust to God na ibibigay niya ito. Sana ang lalaking iyon na talaga ang man of my dreams. Sana .....sana.....sana
Maraming beses na akong nasaktan sa love. But this is the scariest of all.....na maghintay na masaktan ulit.
Two months ago, I promised to myself na hindi na ako magmamahal ng guy na hindi ako mahal but my promise to myself became nothing beacause I fall in love again. Actually, the term "again" is not appropriate for this, beacause I like him na talaga but not seriously unlike now. Hindi ko nga alam kung I am an ignorant person e, kasi kahit alam kong may iba siyang mahal, I tried to love him.
I knew that he had small feelings for me and he told me about this last Friday and I don't know if I want to hope for this. sana hindi nalang niya sinabi para hindi ako umaasa ng ganito but I believe that God will not hurt me again like what I felt a year ago. Suko na ako sa sakit. It was too painful. lagi nalang ako nagmamahal sa taong may mahal na iba. kahit alam kong both my parents love me, sometimes I try to search love from somebody else. A one that can love me as me, not only I am their daughter. Tao rin naman ako, nakakaramdam ng pagkukulang. Yun lang naman ang gusto ko,makaramdan ng pagmamahal from the man that I love, like in fairy tale. Oo, inaamin ko na hindi ako naniniwala sa fairy tale but this time I want again to give my trust to God na ibibigay niya ito. Sana ang lalaking iyon na talaga ang man of my dreams. Sana .....sana.....sana
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